Redemption

So for many of you who read my blog, I would say 90% of you have known me since I was at least 18, and being completely honest here- I was a whole lot of insecure and not a lotta fun to be around. I didn't know what I was doing, and even after I grew into my 20s and developed some fake self confidence I was still dealing with all these emotional "issues" that I created. I may or may not have burned a lot of bridges, and when I look back I realize that it was all me, and the only person who hated Olivia, was Olivia. I would say leaving and travelling and discovering my true talents, becoming aligned with what the Universe wants to provide to the world through me was what saved me... Jesus saved me. Buddha saved me. The All Mighty Power who was protecting me as I was running away from my emotional body saved me. I don't talk much about the emotions I felt while I was travelling, because it was going so quickly and I was having so much fun that it's hard for me to inturrpret that- and because it's such a real part of me that I'm not too sure how to share yet. I'm at a point now where I feel healthy enough to establish good relationships with people again, but when I revisit old friendships I feel as though I have to redeem myself. Do I have to feel guilty for the way I acted when I was coming off of mood stabalizers? Do I have to feel guilty for being immature? Do I have to feel like I missed out on something great because I couldn't "handle" it? Do I have to show them who I have become, so they can forget who I was? Do I have to forget who I was? I wasn't all that bad, but what it really is that I wasn't at my best. I have forgiven myself, and I know they have forgiven me too... is it too late to express my true creative self? No. Never. Time always gives you as many chances as you need. I want to be at my best, and I am at my best when I am acting as a mature 22 year old prepared to go to work and school. I'm at my best when I'm hulahooping, I'm at my best when I'm spinning fire... the emotions can create a lot of things, and we are the judges of whether it's good or bad.... My past creations have been creative alright, and now I'm ready to create good things for the judges, because lets face it, we're all being judged by each other. All of the time. My writing is judged, but I don't care, becasue I know it's good, it's true, it comes from the heart. It's not a competition, I'm doing it just because I want to share, and when I hulahoop I do it because I want to feel good, and when I spin fire I do it because it's fun as shit, and when I speak of spirituality I do it because I love it. When I give reiki and do massage I do it because it feels good to give a service. Do any of my old insecurities of the person "I was", rather portrayed myself to be, need to come with me? Do I need to hear the criticism of my creative energy anymore? Mostly of my emotions, and how I was feeling, and how I expressed those feelings? No. I know how to express myself in a healthy way, I express myself in a healthy way. Agnes Scott was a year and a half of a girl who was sad, confused, and so desperately wanting to fit in to somewhere, and that year and a half is over, and has been over for the past two years. The only person who still feels those feelings of guilt, shame, hurt, and pain is me. Everyone went on with their lives, just as I went on with my life, there is no need for me to carry on an image of myself that no longer exists. If I could say anything to that girl, I would say "I love you. I love you and it's all going to be okay. Everything that you're going through right now is going to shape you into a beautiful, wonderful amazing contributing member of society, and you're going to have everything you want and everything you need. This too shall pass..." And that it did. It passed. Rather quickly. I remember being kicked out, wallowing in my saddness, hurting for friends, being forced to look within for comfort, instead running away... I'm thankful for those times of running, but I'm done running. My emotional body is not that bad, and is easily tamed with walking, yoga, and a few deep breaths. There is no need for a redemption... that's a song I don't know how to sing anyway. The truth is I went down a few wrong roads,  and there will always be greater and lesser people than I, no comparisons. I Am that I Am.  It's funny because ego is the emotions, ego is the thought creating the feeling. So if I'm gonna have an ego and it's gonna be this way, then I'm gonna keep my ego in check, and let it know that it's not the all mighty power, and from now on these emotions are going to give me pleasure rather than pain. Until Next Time, -Olivia