Sunday, May 5, 2013
Mother, do you think you'll stop?
My intuition is filled with you. Your worries and fears are screaming through me. In fact they are so loud (because you throw them toward me) that I am overwhelmed in my gut. I feel your tears, I hear you sobbing. I want to get angry- you're messing with my flow of life. I cannot tell you "feel peace" because you will respond with "PRAY FOR ME". I have tired to tell you since I was... well, since I was a baby, that ultimately you are the only one who can conquer the demons within you, you have now become the demon your true essence buried by the darkness. I want to shine the light on it, I make attempts every single time I see you; You preach as if you've studied for years, you practice as if you don't know how to add 1+1. I am bombarded with your comments of great quotes, as if you're actually guiding me, when the truth is, you're no longer growing, in fact you're settling for the suffering, and suffocating second by second, minute by minute, constantly reaching outside to fix the energy blocks within you. You want to be heard, but the reality is, if you don't listen you will not be heard. The child within me wants to sob, and cry, and plead, and say "please mommy, please just be happy, please just be okay... you are the love, mommy!" The angsty teen within me wants to get angry "why the fuck are you telling me what to do, and how to change my life if you're not even practicing what you preach?!" This constant struggle with you is overbearing, but we're both attempting to get to the same goal. It's been 57 years and you have still yet to figure out how to let go, surrender your egoic ways to the higher power within yourself, and become your true essence. The closer you get to your death bed, the more I fear you're not going to get it this lifetime at all... wouldn't that be a shame? I hear voice saying "Don't edit me, you don't know my struggle... just let me be who I am" but the funny thing is, you're not even allowing YOU to be who YOU really are. How do I know all of this? You absorb me, you live through me, you grew me, you are a natural part of me. I have compassion for you, but I no longer am creating the life of drama, anger, sorrow, fear, and suffering your intuition tells me to create. I have to go off, I have to go create far away from you because the truth is, because I love you so much, because you are my mother, I will get sucked down into the bottomless pits of hell. You are stronger than me, you don't allow me to pull you up when I'm near you... you want me to come down and play into your dramatic game, and I'm done. I can no longer allow you to live through me. You are blocking my true essence from radiating and thriving. I am now taking responsibility for my life, I am now changing the anger and sorrow. I choose peace, I choose love, I choose to create gentleness, kindness, patience, and above all I choose to allow the One Life to live through me creating all around me. I surrender, I show compassion, I have companionship, I am at peace. I am now old enough to know how to live up to God's standard of life, and I choose to do so. God's standard is now my standard. I am going on Judge Mathis with you, I shouldn't have agreed to do so is what I'm really feeling, because this is another way to feed the dramatic monster within you. It's okay, there are benefits in it for all of us, and this is the last hurrah. I am done with you, Mother. What you portray to the world is what people will say about you. Your behavior is your self. I choose to behave as my true essence tells me to behave. I choose to behave as God tells me to behave. I may not be able to change the generations behind me, but I can change myself, and I can change the future generations, in hopes that the past will catch up with the future, ultimately finishing the circle of life. Until next time, -Olivia