Monday, June 3, 2013

Baby Daddy Problems

Okay, So I've been having the most cramped dreams ever. Tons of people everywhere, faces that I remember from high school, and then all of the sudden Micheal's there. Sometimes we're together and sometimes we're not. Which is a reflection of how our relationship was and has been for the past three months, a "well we'll see how it goes" kind of thing. When I'm with him it's fine. This time we were somewhere near a beach. We were enjoying pizza at a resturant with our friends, talking about this and that. I don't really want to go into the details of what happened I want to more talk about how it felt.

I feel fulfilled, I have a man I can kiss and touch and hug, and he kisses and hugs and touches me back, and it feels great. When my best friend Kalika was around him I felt the insecurities of thinking "omg he's going to like her better than me" pop up, but I assured myself that it was not the case, the weird part is I litterally felt the insecurity... it was this burning feeling in my gut, like a fire had been started, but was slowly being put out and then started again. I was able to identify what it was, and just ignore the thoughts that went with the feeling. I just said I trust Micheal, he is with me, and I trust Kalika.

 I remember there was a part where I reminded myself that I should not try to manipulate others feelings or control their feelings because that would in return cause chaos and havoc in my sacral chakra as well, just allow them to flow the way they want and it will all work out. I just let my emotional body feel the insecurities.

Micheal left with some people, and I was at the library now studying for something or other. I called Kalika to see where they were, and I remember feeling relief at this point because I was focused on something else, something other than my relationship with Micheal. I was focused on school, something that I love, something that I'm really good at, something that gets me excited for life. This type of relief that I felt was mental relief, I was forced to focus my mind on something other than what Micheal was doing with other people, and it made me feel good to know that I was doing something of importance to inhance my life.

 A second set of relief was granted to me when I found Kalika in the bathroom with another boy that wasn't Micheal. My sacral stopped buzzing, I was saved from the wild fire of jealousy and angst.  It didn't matter where Micheal was after a while, I was in the zone of school work. I decided to go find him, and I remember feeling confident. I knew that he was wanting to see me, I knew that he was having a good time with his friends, and I knew that the space between us had given us time to just do other things rather than dwell on our relationship etc etc etc.

I found him, and we hugged and kissed and it was fine and dandy.  I wasn't afraid to asked for what I needed, and he wasn't afraid to give it to me. I remember feeling fulfilled, if that's the word that can describe it... nourished might be better. I felt nourished in the heart and in the sacral, I felt nourished all over. I was then cited for touching Micheal innapropriately... I was to pay 11.55$ to the school. I felt confused.

The whole time from the pizza palor to the scene where the woman gives me a ticket, I had gum stuck in my teeth.  I would chew it, but then the wad of gum was so big it would get stuck in my back molars and I would have to pull it out. I remember feeling discomfort at this point. Teeth represent decisions, so I'm thinking the gum represents me making a decision in a sticky situation, because my relationship with Micheal is a sticky situation.

I have not once dreamed about the baby inside of me and the more time passes by the more I know that there is a huge possibility that I am not ready to be a mother, nor do I need this in my life at this time. I also know that if I choose to do that, Micheal and I will not be together anymore. I'm seeing this from all angles, but this is seriously the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. It doesn't help that Micheal is in jail- but then again God does work in mysterious ways.

 I care about Micheal, but he is not capable of taking responsibility for himself, let alone a child. He has lived as a homeless man for the past 15 years and relied on others to take care of him. Being completely realistic here, that's not somebody I want to have a child with. The more and more I reflect on my situation the more and more I think about how I don't really want to be a mom, and I fantaize about giving birth finally and then giving the baby to a wonderful family who can't have children and who will love the baby forever and ever and then I can go on about my day with Massage Therapy school free of child. I'm the hero to those people who don't know me, but I'm no hero to the baby's father or anybody else in my family.

Then there is a strike in my sacral, an insecurity that I might actually be attached to this child growing inside of me and that I might actually want to keep it and love it and cherish it forever and ever.  I am in control of who the child gets to go to, and I'm in control of the type of family it has- and honestly I could even adopt the baby out to another family member so I could still see it... and that's what it really comes down to.

I want this baby to live in a home where it is surrounded by open minded people, and I don't want to adopt the child out to an avangelical christian home where they are only taught about Jesus; I want my child to have the best chance of attaining enlightenment as quickly as possible. I also want my child to be raised around people who have healthy emotional bodies, who are mature in their relationships, who can let things go easily, and who can teach  the child how to deal with the emotions in the healthiest way possible. I want my child to have a father figure around, not just a mother figure... which is part of the main reason why I don't know if I want to keep little nugget, because it is not a gaurentee that Micheal and I will stick together (unless we're held together by the gum in my teeth) unless some serious shifts happen in me (mostly me maturing in my sacral, communicating clearly what it is that I want and need) and in him (he becoming a responsible man who I can trust to have a baby around, his track record is not that great I mind you).

 I want my child to be raised around people who will love them forever and ever, and I want my child to know that they are loved and supported. I want my child to be free to explore the many talents its going to have, and I want my child to be able to express its creative talents in the utmost way. I want my child to know where they came from, because it's important to know- but there is something inside of me that is just telling me I am not ready for this.

I hit the breaks the second I see that I want to be the one to raise this child. It's not the right time, I'm not married, I'm not settled in my own home, I don't have my career yet, I rushed this all to soon. I remember all of the dreams that I have of travelling the world, sitting at hotel bars with rock stars writing about their daily life for the Rolling Stone, working on a cruise ship as a massage therapist, and honestly having a child is a forever sort of thing... it's my choice how I raise the child, but I want to make sure this child has a fair shot at life. I want to make sure this child will have minimal emotional issues that he/she will have to struggle with. Do I have control over that if I give the child up for adoption? I would say I have more control over it if I keep the child and install some really good beliefs in them, so they know how to deal with the emotional body it has karmically inherited from me. People who have jobs that make them travel have children, and do it all the time. My child would be very cultured due to its obsure way of living.

 I forever will be known as mom to a little human being... and this little human being may or may not have a father around, but I know that there are plenty of men in the world who would be great role models to my child. It's a huge responsibility.... I digress. I have a lot to reflect on, and I know that I am going to make the right choice. The last time I listened to my heart it told me to run away to Florida to be with the man of my dreams, when I did that it turned out to be a complete homeless nightmare- full of sadness and anger. Me pushing him away because that's what I saw my mom do with my dad, and him just running away from me because he didn't want to be with a "liar" and someone who yelled all the time. When it was good with us, it was really good with us, but when it was bad, it was immidiately over because neither one of us knew how to deal with the situation that was going on. It is safe to say that I can now clearly make a choice because I can see how it will work out. This choice that I made may or may not have been the best choice of my life, only time will tell.

until next time,

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