I got a letter in the mail today from my doctor's office, I have my appointment coming up very soon. This part of me, that just wants to run away from it... the part of me that just wants to make this the worst possible thing that could happen in the entire world, and that it's going to be so hard, and that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders is completely covered by sound, and I choose not to listen to those voices. They go so quickly, it's as though they are chasing after themselves. I don't really know which way the chaos is going or why it is even there... I try to analyze over and over in my mind what's happening, and why it's happening, and what decision I need to make, and how am I supposed to do this...
What I really want is to do my job, and to do it well. Being a mother is a job, and I want to make sure that I do it well. I want to make sure that this job reaps benefits, and this job is something that I'm very talented and good at doing. The stakes are higher now, because this job is caring for a child... and I've never had this job before. Ever. I don't even think in my past lives I was given the chance to be a woman, and that is something that I've felt deep within me. It's a truth that I've never shared, and now here I am being completely honest with myself. I believe that in many many, and maybe all, past lives I was man... and I have come down here to be a woman.
Okay, okay so maybe I'm giving a little too much meaning to the body, and maybe I'm going a little too far with this whole spiritual crock, but man it's really working! My higher self is just flowing through and this is how I wanted my ego to be revealed to, so this is how it's done. I, as ego create meaning to things that don't matter sometimes, yet they still matter to my pain body. I like to sit and contemplate the pain body, but I do that too much. I can get lost there.... because that is what gives me true pain, is making matter where there is not. The formless is not considered matter, right? That's where I'm wrong.
So I'm going to throw the ball on the wall and allow these thoughts to just come out they way they seem, and I'm going to piece them together and HOPEFULLY this will make logic enough sense to someone out there who MAY see where I'm coming from and MAY be able to help me expand a logic reason as to why the 1% just so happens to be the richest people in the world, and there is 99% of people who don't have as much as they do, which can then relate to my pain body being the 1% that matters in me, but then I think about what the 1% in REALITY makes matter and it's money... they make money matter, and I make pain matter. But each one has a different reward, because I make pain matter, I am able to heal all of the little wounds that I have given myself, and because they make money matter they get to make power matter. I made healing matter, they made money matter. Yet there is this sense of us and them, and "what they have is better".... they have more freedom. That's what I envy. I envy the freedom that "they" have (please excuse the generalities being thrown out of here, I may have listened a little too much to Pink Floyd last summer) have is a much different freedom than what I have. They have freedom to roam, and I have the freedom to share my gift, and they have an opportunity to share their gift. Essentially it's always going to be equal and balanced. More to come on this topic later. (a little musical inspiration totally inspired this whole blog)
My issue with money is this really; I think that I can't have it. I feel unworthy, and more so a lack of communication about money. I feel a really big block within myself that makes me feel really weird. I am holding on to the idea that my mom took money from me and so I just dealt with it... i always felt guilty that I had done something wrong, and she would always say "you owe me this" and not to mention the fact that she sued me on national television.... but what am I really even complaining about? There it goes again my ego is a smart one. Is referring to myself as a seperate entity okay? This whole bi-polar thing, I feel pain and pleasure, so I wanted a contrast, I wanted a contrast of day and night, black and gold. I wanted to relate to something dirty.... something that felt grimy, and heavy, and I wanted to know what it felt like to take it off when I was ready for it to come off.
So here I am using my writing skills and very very intense logical mind, that really doesn't make any sense at all, but it still kinda does because I like to create new logic so why not relate everything to something, right? It's all related anyway. I hope everyone enjoyed this little confession... I'm going to go make myself a grilled cheese w/ tomatoes in a tortilla. mmmmm.
peace and love,
-Olivia
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