Monday, June 10, 2013

R.I.P Twenty One

I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss touching you, kissing you, laughing with you, being around you. I miss hearing your voice, and quoting random, quirky things you say to me when I'm sad.

Why did we manifest this? Did our higher selves know that in order to raise a child together we would have to grow up on our own. My body is wondering when I'll ever see you again, and if you really love me at all. My heart tells me you do. My sacral is the one that's questioning our relationship. When we were in Florida together it was awful at times, but at other times it was a perfect romance story. What it really came down to was this; you could feel that I wasn't telling you something that I needed to tell you, and what I needed to tell you was that I wasn't going to run away from home anymore, and I came down to Florida to show you how much I loved you so you would come back to Chattanooga with me. I felt like I was manipulating you, so I didn't tell you that... instead I just pushed you away. I pushed you so far away that when I first told you that I was carrying your child you said to me "i don't want you anywhere near me".  I was terrified of how good our relationship could be, and now I'm letting that go.

I'm not going to be the same girl you knew when you get to Chattanooga, finally. Your mind is going to be blown, you're actually going to want to have a relationship with me, and you're going to be so thankful that I am the one who you got pregnant. But I have to do this for me, I have to transform the way I portray myself in relationships for me, and only for me. You and nugget are my reward, and I am going to be so thankful that you're the father of my child when we are finally united once more.

My love for you transcends Time and Space, and although I haven't heard your deep voice in over a month know, I hear you next to me all the time. I feel your presence with me in moments of silence, peace, and harmony.

I feel like I owe you an apology, I feel like I should be sorry for what my emotions manifested in our relationship... but then there is this part of me that's so mad at you. That's so mad at you for saying all those hurtful things about who you thought I was, and how you saw me. But then I remember how far off in the distant those moments of hate are... and I look to the future when we can share many many moments of love. We're the lucky ones here, God has given us a chance to raise a beautiful child together and grow in our love for one another. I cried last night in deep gratitude for the being that is growing inside of me right now, and for the man who I get to share the rest of my life with because of this.

I have to forget the memories I have of you, I have to no longer feel what I felt for you, and in that regard I am opening up to feel something greater for you. So, for what it's worth, I let the image I have of you go, and I am now open to seeing who you really are. I am now open to my best self, I am now open to your best self. The day I fell in love with you was the day that I met you, and the day that I met you was the day that I fell in love with myself. I can let that feeling go... by letting that go, I know that someway somehow it will come back to me.

I'm going to miss the young 21 year old on the slack line having a great day when a young looking man with his beautiful golden, blonde hair down his back, reaches his hand out and says "let me help you". I'm going to miss the girl who slept next you in willow creek after you showed interest in me, gazing up at the stars you saying "every time you look up there is a memory of someone you love". I'm going to miss the girl who hitchhiked with you, and had a great time feeling the amount of freedom that we felt. I'm going to miss the girl that left you in Redding because she knew she had to go see her family due to some deep karmic healing that needed to be done. I'm going to miss the girl that knew she had to come back to you. I'm going to miss the girl that made amazing love to you in the kitchen of our friends house to "Everlasting Light" by the Black Keys. I'm going to miss the girl who yelled at you and told you to let it go, because it wasn't worth holding on to, and then grabbing your face and kissing you passionately as we walked back to camp. I'm going to miss the girl who you called baby after we got rained on in Santa Rosa. I'm going to miss the girl who said "go boy, fetch me my zebra" when we were with our wonderful new friends Masha and Chirs, gazing over the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge. I'm going to miss the girl that you pulled close to you at night so we could keep warm in the 30 degree weather. I'm going to miss the feeling of falling in love for the first time and actually knowing that deep inside me you were the one, you were it. You were my life partner, and there was nothing that I could do, or you could do to change that. I'm going to miss the girl who you asked "how does it feel to be young and in love" because that was first time her true dream came true, and she was so head over heals for you she just said "amazing" and you said "it feels good every single time". I'm even going to miss the little insecurities that came with all of the love that I was feeling. The jealousy when we were around skinny white girls, because I know I'm the first black girl you've dated... The anger when you didn't hold me at night... The sadness when you broke up with me for the first time, and I rode a bus to Southern California listening to Breathe Me by Sia sobbing my eyes out as I left San Francisco.

This death of me that's happening is probably one of the hardest, that I've been through. And I say hard in the sense of there was actually so much that I loved about the girl that I was when I met you. I had finally found the road that I was going on, and it was the beginning of a great life. I'm living that great life now, and life only gets better and better, and the weird part is it's only getting faster too. My deaths are happening more rapidly, and I know that in order for us to have what we truly wanted with each other, which is a family and nice life together, I have to let the homeless girl that was just figuring it out,  or as you say it was just waking up to this reality, go. I have to say bye to her. I have to move forward, or else life is going to go on without me. So this is my goodbye to that chapter of my life. This is my goodbye to that chapter of your life too. I have no control over whether or not you come with me, and die with me, and I sure as hell hope you do, because if we're being honest here, my life wouldn't be the same without you in it. I have to let the idea of you go in my head, because the truth is you may not come with me on this journey, it might be another man... and that's what scares me the most. If I let the girl that you know die, then the man that I know dies with her, and maybe you were only meant to get me pregnant, maybe there's another prince charming out there waiting for me, and I have to be open to receive the true husband and family that I want. I can't hold on forever, and although the idea sometimes pops in my mind that I may meet someone better, my body is still telling me that it's you. So I'm going to take a leap of faith, and I'm going to say goodbye to the 21 year old essence that I'm holding on to. I'm about to be 23, a mom, and a massage therapist, and I've already changed so much... and I'm hoping you're doing the same sitting in the jail cell of San Marcos, TX.

Until Next Time,


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