Sunday, June 9, 2013

I just gotta get it out

There are some things that I just really need to get out, and it is about some past relationships that I've had, as well as past incidents. I think as a part of my healing I need to be open with myself about the little minor details I'm still holding onto. For sake of privacy I'm going to use fake names.

1. Suzy
You were a very good friend and you and I had a lot of fun together. It hit the HELL out of my pain body when I messaged you just to see how you were doing, and congratulate you on graduating college, and you just said "you left messes behind, and I have no desire to be your friend anymore". I can't really blame you, but I guess the part that hurt me the most was probably that you thought I had left messes behind for other people to clean up... it made me feel really irresponsible, and as if I didn't deserve to get the fuck out of this town for a while so I could go get my head right. I've gone between anger toward you and every time I see you driving down the street it's either "I hope she's doing okay" or "fuck that girl, she wasn't even that good of a friend of mine". I guess you just called me out on something that I didn't feel as though I needed to be called out on, and I am really sorry that I hurt you by telling you that your boyfriend was in love with some other girl, and then I just left after we had made up. It was nothing personal, and I'm sure your statements weren't meant to be personal either. So for sake of my life, and for sake of my healing I forgive you.... and I forgive myself. Goodbye suzy.

2. The Old Roommate
I was told yesterday as I was sitting at a friend's house that there was an article written in the UTC news paper about an incident that happened with my old roommate over a noodle on the stove.... they made me sound like a fat bitch who could have hurt my little roommate with my overpowering anger. I laughed. I laughed because I couldn't really believe that the angry girl inside of me just came out like that, and I laughed because the roommate of mine who just didn't want her boundaries crossed was perfectly fine, but I scared her... she was actually a really nice girl, and I was too, and I don't really have to analyze a past self that doesn't exist anymore, but to the old roommate who felt as though her life was threatened by 240 pound Olivia, I'm sorry. I forgive you... and I forgive myself. Goodbye old roommate.

3. To All the Bitch Ass Hoes... 
That hate me the most, oh yeah, I hate you too. But not really. Okay, so if there is anything that old Olivia (and new Olivia) can do is she can make people remember her for the rest of their lives... and because old Olivia felt a lot of pain, and manifested even more pain, there are a lot of haters out there. So this one is to you, haters. To all the people who hate me for taking without asking, taking without giving back, not asking, crossing your boundaries, saying awful things to you, and being a down right crazy bitch because I wanted all of you out of my life for no particular reason, I get it. I was a fuck up, because I said I was. I was a bitch, because I said I was. I was overly emotional, because I said I was. I was highly sensitive to insults, because I said I was. So if you have every experienced the wrath of my pain body, I'm sorry. I forgive you... and I forgive myself. Goodbye to all the bitch ass hoes.

It is so okay for my emotional body to feel pleasure, feel balanced, stable, and to manifest healthy relationships. It is so okay for my emotional body to forget the essence of her past relationships. It is so okay for my emotional body to forget who she was, focus on where she is going, and be a shining star. It is so okay for my emotional body to embody the aspects of my higher self, it is so okay for my emotional body to feel my higher self, it is so okay for my emotional body to be the light and love. I'm putting the work in, and I'm going to have and maintain healthy, long lasting relationships with people that I truly care about... not to say that I didn't care about those other people, but it's hard to care when you don't even care about yourself.

Until next time,


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