Sunday, June 2, 2013

Truths about my emotional body

We come into this world not knowing a damn thing about how to live a healthy, prosperous life, and if we're lucky we find some good teachers, and they tell us what we need to hear so we can be on our way to become a contributing member of society. This is where I'm at. I've been having dreams where older people from my past have showed up in the most random places, last night I was in an airport when Will Smith was a flight attendant and passed by me, and then immideiately afterward a woman I have known since I was fourteen years old calls my name. She sees me sitting next to these kids and says "oh, are you travelling with these children, you got a nanny job didn't you? I bet you're great at that!" I wasn't with the children, in fact what had happened before hand was a little rocky, unhealthy. The scene before this consists of Micheal and I at a gas station spending money on food and beer, Micheal racking up the bill to 75$ when I only had 35$. I get the clerk to bring the bill down to the correct amount, and Micheal is complaining about the beer that we didn't get as we walk outside into the pouring rain. We don't have proper shoes on, but I didn't care I was with Micheal and we were being all lovey dovey, kissing and smooching. The clerk walks out, and says "tennis shoes 4$ a pair", I ignore what we should have bought, and we start walking. Micheal starts running after a few kids, apparently they had stolen his blanket (mind you, right now I'm in homeless girl mode in this part of the dream) and the rain just keeps on pouring down. I'm soaking wet carrying the food we had just bought. At this point I feel as though the events that are happening are completely unnessecary, and I want to find a way home because I know there is something else i should be doing. Micheal and I end up at an airport where we begin walking through the crowd of people. I tell him we are in Chattanooga and I have tons of friends that will let us sleep there because I don't want to sleep in the rain tonight... he says "no you don't, I'm not coming with you". I don't turn back to see if he's behind me, I keep trucking forward. When I get to the end (which turns into the walgreens on Frazier and Market ST) he's not with me and I'm surrounded by people who's faces look familar. I feel a jolt of fear in my body, but I don't let it stop me from walking back. I can do this, I think. I walk back where I came from, and I realize that I have a home in Chattanooga because I live there, and I can get a job and I'm registered for school... all of this satifies my survival needs, but there is still this part of me that feels empty.  There is a hole in my belly that needs to be filled, and Micheal filled that hole, but he is long gone and I don't have time to find him. That's when Will Smith and the Buddhist friend show up.  I scramble to grab my things, and leave the Asain children I was sitting next to, to go see if I can get a ride home. The Buddhist friend assumed that I was working, being responsible.... she believed that. I woke up. Everyone in my support circle absolutely 100% believes that I am more than capable of working, taking responsibility for my life,  and being a contributing member of society.  There is something in me, a block in my scaral chakra (which represents relationships with other people) that is just not allowing me to believe it. The insecurities I have had my whole life have just been stewing there. I was told since I was a teen that the way I expressed myself was too loud, too much, and I needed to calm down, take a breath, and blah blah blah. But what people didn't understand was that was where I was at, and that is what my emotional body feels like, almost all of the time. I remember people telling me what to fix within myself so I could fit in... I would cry because I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I felt as though because all of these insecurities overflow my relationships with other people that I must not be a good person, therefore I don't deserve good friends. I think about all the relationships I've had since I was in high school- and I think about how many of them actually lasted until now. Some have come back to me, some are gone forever. At first it was bi-polar disorder, so they gave me medicine, lots of it. Now, now it's just a matter of me not wanting to grow up, because I'm afraid of how well I'm going to succeed once I just put my mind to it. I have a direction, a clear direction this time. I feel as though I know what I'm "supposed" to be doing this life time. There are still questions though, and I don't want my societial duties to get in the way of my healing of my self. There are answers for that, but what I really mean is that when I go out into society and begin creating relationships in the work place I want to be able to be mature, not take things personally when I am given constructive criticism, and I want to be able to do it right the first time. I want to be good at what I do, because let's face it we live in an approval based society, and that approval is what gets you farther and farther in life. I have had so many opportunities to meet many of the most successful people in the world, I didn't jump on the chance to get to know them on a personal level because I felt as though I wasn't mature enough to actually show them what I can really do.... and I wasn't even performing at the level that I can truly perform at. I feel a sense of frustration because I want to change what approval means, I want to change the way our society works. I want everyone to be accepted where they are, and I want EVERYONE to have a fair opportunity to express themselves creatively and recieve money for it. My mind knows that I am just going to be playing a role in society, and I am not that role, I am a child of God. My emotions don't know that. My emotions take everything in this world as a personal attack toward Olivia. My emotions tell me that I'm not a good enough worker, but I work well enough to get by, so I'll be okay... yet still takes things personally when she doesn't get the trainer position at work. My emotions tell me that my relationships with others are important, and it is personal because those relationships are a reflection of you. My emotions have surrounded me with people that are "better than me" because I have never felt good enough, and those people put me down; they call out my flaws, and tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing, they say that I'm not up to par, that I need to be doing better, because they know I can do better. I cry. I cry because I know that I can do better too, but I don't feel like I can do better. There is a difference between knowing something and believing something. I have a very sensitive emotional body,  the vibrations I work on are low sometimes, I feel guilty because I think of all the times I could have made the mature decision and chose not to because I wanted to stand my ground, I wanted to protect the immature girl in me that acted out for attention, that told people things to hurt them, that didn't sweep properly at work just to say a big fuck you to coroprate America. My mind understands exactly why things need to be done the way they are done, my emotions do not. My emotions are seeking for something, and that something is approval. My emotions want to be approved of. People don't approve of saddness and anger, people don't approve of not doing things correctly, people don't approve of attention seeking manipulative bitches who say things just to stir shit up; they feel as though their buttons are being pushed, or their boundaries are being crossed. My emotions are all of those things, and those are all of the things I would say my past and present friends haven't approved of... I have made messes and I have run from them, I came back and cleaned them up when I was ready, but because I did that I lost friends. I make friends easily, but I don't keep them very well. My mom said "Being perfect is being mature".... becoming mature means becoming completely honest with  what you do to other people in the relationships you have with them. The angry, sad girl that I call my emotional body wants to feel loved and noursished so badly and she is angry, she is angry because she was denied the type of nourishement she truly needed in her younger years. I remember flipping off cameras because I was so mad that my dad left. I was so angry that he hurt my mom, and I was sad that I didn't have a daddy anymore because he wanted to go off and hang out with other people instead, and he wasn't ready to take responsibility for his children. Later in life it became me being mad at both of my parents because my mom denied me a relationship with my father "to protect me". My emotional body tells me that she's mad because she, just as many others, was not given the chance to know a very important part of her. The phone calls when I was a teen were mostly screaming and crying, and eventually there wasn't anything left to say so I just stopped talking to him, and I told people that my Dad was dead. Immature to the max. The little kid in me wants to still be angry and sad that she didn't have a daddy, but my mind knows that if I were to allow my child to stay on this emotional vibration,  the same defiant acts would continue to manifest in other relationships. I have the time and ability to help the angry, sad girl inside of me feel nourished. If anybody is denying the needs of my emotional body anymore, it's me. I'm an adult and I can make my own choices now. The time is now, and it's always now. Until Next Time, -Olivia

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