relationships

It's all about who you know, and how close you are to them, right? Well, recently I've been rewinding, and discovering a lot about myself through analyzing the relationships I've had with people in the past. A huge part of me feels deep remorse, mostly because I took so much without giving nearly as much, I cried on their shoulders, I dragged them into my drama of life, and I took advantage of the fact that most of my friends were really good people and I was lucky to have them as friends, but never fully provided to them what they provided for me.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 14 years old, I began taking medicine and throughout the first two years of high school I had a minimal amount of friends, and the ones I were close to there was always just fights, crying, screaming, yelling, and tons of "well why am I not included" talks. The medicine helped me focus in school, and I got good grades, and when I switched schools my junior year of high school to go to CCA I felt as though I had found a place where I could fit in. I met my best friend, who I am still friends with thank God, and we had a core group of friends that was just splendid. I continued taking medicine, and things were going fine until I decided that I wasn't good enough to date the boy I had had a crush on all year long, and when senior year rolled around I became friendless mostly because I had decided to strap some C4 to the relationships I had, and blow them up. As I watched the flames of my relationships go up in the air, I felt free... but then I realized that I had absolutely no friends, and nobody to talk to.

That's when I started skipping school, acting out in class, and just being down right out of control emotionally. The only reason I didn't get in trouble was because my teachers knew that I was an academic star, I had just won a 20,000$ national scholarship, and the principal was so proud of me and loved me so much she just didn't care to put me in trouble. I was sad. I was sad because nobody wanted to talk to me, I was sad because I had no real relationships to have, and I was sad because I was confused as to why I thought it was a good idea to ruin friendships with people who were amazing to me. They always paid when we went out, they always picked me up from my house, they always did everything I would ask for, and hwo did I repay them... by telling them they were a piece of shit, and to get the fuck out of my life? Yeah, great job Olivia.

College came, and I was happy as hell to get out of my mother's house and Chattanooga. I went off thinking that maybe it was the enviornment that was causing my behavior, and learned very quickly that that was not the case. I started self destructing, hard core. I wasn't supposed to be drinking on the medicine that I was on, but I did anyway... and almost died a couple of times. A young girl who shall remain nameless called me out on my behavior and told me to stop doing that, because she could see that it was going to become a problem. I didn't listen, of course. We became very good friends, and it wasn't until the melt down of 2010 at Agnes Scott College did I slightly wake up to the reality of how my behavior was innapropriate. I had played lacrosse, and the girls on my team didn't like me, so I thought. I just never really showed them a girl to like, and they didn't know how to react to my crying outburts. We ended up partying together, I ended up getting really drunk, threatened to kill myself because I thought nobody liked me, and got kicked out of college a week later for failing a drug test. Once again I had taken the C4, strapped it to my relationships, and blew them to peices.

Why was any of this happening? They said that it was because I had stopped taking my medicine, but even when I was on medicine it had happened. I didn't want to think about it, I stopped taking the bullshit pills they had given me, and began smoking a ton of weed everyday. I had two friends left, and if it weren't for them I probably would have ended up a crack whore on the streets of Atlanta, GA. That was when we tripped together for the first time. Acid and mushrooms probably saved my life, to be honest. If I had not found these two hallucenagins I would not have the amount of freedom in my mind that I do now. These drugs showed me who I really was, my soul. I became in touch with the trees. Things got put back together, and the puzzle began to look somewhat okay again. That's when I got into University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, and went back home.

I was excited, back in college and I got a fresh new start to try one more to build lasting relationships. I had learned not to threaten to kill myself because I had no place to fit in, and I was ready to try this college thing one more time. I met some amazing people the January I started at school, and I started seeing a side of my hometown that I didn't know existed, and it was awesome. The parties, the people, everyone I met thought I was the shit, and I felt like I was the shit. Need weed? I was your girl. Need acid? I was your girl. At the end of the spring semester in 2011, my friends went back to Nashville, and that's when I met some amazing people.... and that's the summer I got arrested at the Blue Hole.

Going to jail while tripping mushrooms wasn't as scary as one might think, but it was a bonding experience for me and the two boys (who became my two best friends) I had gotten arrested with. I remember being perfectly fine while the mushrooms were still in my system, then I stopped tripping, and that's when I started crying. Nine hours later we were out of jail... and I remember thinking that this was the start of a forever relationship, but something inside me said "you're not going to be friends with them forever so you might as well not get attached..." I got attached anyway. A year later, after dabbling with a ton of ecstacy and other speed products all summer, we were no longer friends... why? Because I wanted to die.

The long run of thinking that my friendships were forever had ended, and I was friendless once more. I had met a girl a while back who portrayed the same life experience as me, and she and I became very close, and we still are to this day. Most of you know the story after this, I ran away from home, went to California and found peace of mind. Now I'm here, back in Chattanooga rehashing the details of my past relationships, and recoginzing the patterns that I had... find friends, get close to them, when you're just close enough you can feel that it's going to be forever, act crazy, say something mean as fuck, and destory, then wallow in your saddness.

Frankly, the only person I can blame for this pattern is myself. I can't say it's because of my bi-polar disorder because with or without medicine I still was portraying this pattern, but what I can recognize is the root of my issue. I took a walk this morning and I pretended to be my own therapist, and I asked my inner child what it was like growing up with my parents; I remembered the fights, the strife, the struggle the portrayed to me, and I remember when my dad left and how I felt like it was my fault... and that's when it hit me. I had been pushing all these people away for the past five years of my life because I didn't want them to leave me first. Then I recognized the behavior of my past self, and what I was showing my friends wasn't even the real me, it was the angry child within me that was still upset that her dad left. It's amazing how one small incident that goes unnoticed or untreated can effect you a lifetime if you allow it to.

Today, I am making the choice to no longer identify with abandonment issues, today I am making the choice to create long lasting, healthy relationships. To all of you out there that has every experienced the wrath of Olivia, or the lies of saying I was going to do something and then didn't, or the user, or the manipulator, or the overly emotional girl this is for you; I'm truly sorry. You all were my victims, and I created myself as the victim when you left me... or stopped talking to me. It's safe to say that my lesson has been learned, and I now know that the path of self-destruction leads to nowhere... relationships are EVERYTHING down here, and I want to be known for the mature person that I truly am. I know what it requires to get myself healthy, and I know what it requires to stay that way.

Until Next Time,

-Olivia