Friday, March 15, 2013
I want to know
-I woke up this one time when I was a kid and I saw that my mom wasn’t there. I was absolutely terrified; she was my protector, my rock, my guide in life and she had left me alone at the house. I went into my brother’s room and I laid down next to him and held him. I remember trying to wake him up but he was sleeping so hard, I felt completely alone and terrified. I wanted my mom to be there right now and she wasn’t. It was right after my dad had left. I just felt so afraid and anxious… what if my mom was dead, and my dad was already gone and wasn’t coming back, and I didn’t know why. All I had was my little brother and he was so peaceful and I wanted that peace of mind, but I felt like I had to be the protector, the big girl… I had to become a big girl so fast; there was no more childhood left for me after my dad left. I remember my mom came home that night after a couple of hours… I don’t know why I have always had this anxiety issue; it comes from being separated from something at birth… being separated from God when I came back down. Being separated from others; being separated from my true authentic self. Understanding that the darkness exists, but knowing that the moon will always be there to help me get through the night. It was right after Micheal broke up with me, and I had just made it back to San Diego. I had nowhere to sleep that night, so I found a place in the woods, laid out my sleeping bag, and talked to God. I was less fearful that night and slept okay because I knew that Mother Earth and Father God were with me; I talked to them and I told them to protect me. I felt completely unprotected by my parents when I was younger; I just got slammed with separation anxiety when I was kid, and now I’ve carried with me for 22 years. I’m at the point where I’m so ready to let it go, I’m sick and tired of allowing this dysfunction to hurt me. I want to know that I’m not alone, I want to know that I’m safe at night, I want to know that when I sleep I’m completely protected. I want to know that it’s okay when people I love and adore and hang out with all of the time go about their way and do their own thing and leave me to do my own thing… I want to know that. I want to trust that. I want to be that. I want to know that everybody loves me. I want to know that I am loved and adored by all who are seeing my heal right now. I want to know that I love my emotions. I want to know that my emotions are not me, but a part of me that exist for a very good reason and are here to help me not to hurt me.